One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
A wise man once said nothing.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
man: wait
time: no
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.