Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”