One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.