One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???