One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.