One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.