Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

I have taken up painting