One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
You Might Also Like
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Whisper out to librarians!
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
#Caturday
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.