One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
You Might Also Like
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
when a toddler tells a story
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.