one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.