one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
You Might Also Like
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
never compromise your values
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE