One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Good morning.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
first you must answer his riddles
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does