Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.