One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.