One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
