There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.