one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
His flabber was gasted 😂
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.