one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
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Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”