one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
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Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME