Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

My life in a nutshell

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

@funTweeters I am at your service….

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.