Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Me trying to look natural in photos

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky