Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions