one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
*pronounces fake like saké*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
rebranding
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
