one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Life cycle of cat
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Waiting for the Charmin
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Good news