One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
How animals would run if they were human
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine