One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
You Might Also Like
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle