One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
What the dentist sees
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
