One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
why no one uses midhusbands
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
