One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.