One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
#NeverForget
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
The United Steaks of America
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.