One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”