One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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