Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

My dog learned how to text

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!