I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve
The 8 fell over and stayed there for infinity.
My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night