One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.


My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve


My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.


When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.


me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night