One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
who called it hell and not heaven’t
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.