One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The Onion called it…again.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.