One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.