One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
all bases covered
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
watching gymnastics
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this