One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁