Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Birds & Planes.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.