One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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when she block me on everything
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
sliding into dms like
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.