One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!