One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*


The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.


My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.


MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo


Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*


I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.


Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”


My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.