@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

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@UnFitz

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@PostCultRev

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

@crunchenhanced

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

@TimJohnish

I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.

@toomanycommas3

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

@JanuaryJames

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.