I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
🤣✨#caturday
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
NASA has no chill
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.