Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Generation gap…

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

ㅤ

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.