One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.