One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Seek kebab; not attention
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.