Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.