One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*ernest hemingway voice*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
