One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
