One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
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It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.