Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

I think my mom just blocked me

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.