One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
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this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
you have three unread messages
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning