One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
not for long
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Nomnomnomnom
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..