One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
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You know I’m something of a chef myself
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
who’s gonna tell her?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god