Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

linkedin the good parts

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Hero horse inspires millions

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.