one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.