one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
SF is the wild wild west man
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Who chose this font
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!