One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.