One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.