One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
bout dat hot dog summer
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
could’ve been anyone
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.