Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

inside you are two wolves

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.