Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

All food is good if you spell it wrong

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Growing up was a huge mistake

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave