One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
