One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
