One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The Punning Dead.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
