Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you