One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
What a website
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless