One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
pain
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.