Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Ok but actually

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Every time.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more