Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.